Monday, August 20, 2012

Post-GenCon - The Ups and Downs

I'm writing this after spending 2 hours in traffic (it's normally about 15-20 minutes in the afternoon), so if this is a little plodding, it's entirely because I'm tired and am torn between the age-old debate of eating versus sleeping. I've decided to eat something (egg whites) while I figure out what else there is to eat (I think I should go grocery shopping).

So, I'm home from GenCon. It was such an amazing and wonderful and overwhelming experience that I'm not sure I can chronologically track it all. I mean, I wanted to, but there was just SO much going on and so much that happened (all of it good, even if at times it was a bit more and a bit new), that I'll just hit you here with the highlights in a semi-broad sense. The personal details, well, those are just going to be for me and the people involved.

I disclaim right now that I'm going to cover a lot of topics and speak personally here. If that's too much for you, or you're not interested, just know that I had a good time and we'll talk more soon.

1. I benefited from a space to getaway. There' s a lot of things going on at this convention -- tens of thousands of people make a lot of noise and generate a lot of sensory overload. Really critical for me was the ability to get away from that, even for an hour or so and head back to the hotel room, where the environment was more stable and I could unwind.

2. I can't say it was flawless, but I am really proud of myself. Okay, honesty time - I had some ups and downs. The specifics aren't really for this blog, but just know that they weren't anything catastrophic or ruinous, and I still have all my fingers and toes, and my heart and soul are still kicking. Several of the events, being big huge anxiety-triggers (few things make me go all shallow-breathing and fidgety like the idea that I'll meet ALL the people I admire in rapid succession), did lead me to pop a pill, but that's what I have them for right?

And sure I pushed quite a few comfort zones for five days straight. But I came out okay. I made great new wonderful beautiful fantastic friends, made great incredible memories (some of which I'm not sharing with anyone who doesn't already know), and in general had a great experience.

Order and structure prevailed. Those days where I made sure I ate regularly, stayed hydrated, got rested and took charge of my thoughts and moods were days I was this great new me that I am really coming to love. That's not to say that when my head got the best of me, or when I didn't eat and got all fidgety and wan I was sub-human...but there was a clear difference between John-in-charge-of-his-shit and John-at-the-mercy-of-rising-mental-floodwaters.

I did it. I fucking did it.

3. In the face of fears, I took the chances. I can cross quite a few things off my bucketlist after this weekend. I won't give you the whole list (that's not for you, gentle readers) but I'll give you some highlights:

a. Ran a game at GenCon (for people I didn't know) -- I don't know why I waited so long to do this...I should have been doing this sooner. Okay, yeah that would have taken more prep, but seriously, to have absolutely new people get so into a game and enjoy themselves sincerely (it's hard to doubt people screaming "Hell yeah" and "That was awesome!") is deeply gratifying.
b. Ran a game (for people I did know) -- Yes, I do this all the time, but here it was different. I ran a hack of a game I am deeply in love with. And it was a HUGE HUGE success. Again, I cannot believe I was so afraid to be expressive with my friends.
c. I went out to eat with people. Sure, that's not a big deal. No, that's a very big deal. I tend to eat with, at best, one or two other people. Maybe three on weekends or holidays. I tend to prize my meal times since I'm actually a little embarrassed by how fast I eat (well, ate, I've slowed down since beginning treatment). There was a group of people, sometimes upwards of 8, and we all ate together. Indian food, grilled meats, whatever. It wasn't awkward. It wasn't scary, even though those people do somewhat affect my livelihood and I do answer to some of them on occasion. But this...this was a meal. With friends. Together, and happy. I could seldom ask for better.
d. I saw my name in A LOT of print. There were piles of books that all had my name in them, and it was very humbling (I admit now that after seeing my name in 2 piles of books and watching people buy them like mad, I did walk away crying happy tears)
e. I was recognized. People sought me out. And not in that we're-going-to-find-you-and-chase-you-away style I was expecting. I had a lot of great people come tell me that the blog is wonderful, that I'm a good person, that they're happy for me, that they're following my progress and it's inspiring them to do things. Better still these people were happy to see me and put a an actual personage to my online presence. I even signed a few autographs and got a shout-out in an acceptance speech.

Speaking of which....

4. I WON AN ENNIE. (There's a photo of me with said ENnie floating around Facebook). If you go here, then scroll down to "Fans Favorite Publisher" you'll see that Evil Hat took the silver. Evil Hat is one of the companies I work for. It was also pointed out to me afterward that I was entitled to go up on stage and receive the award, but at the time it didn't register (much of the work I've done hasn't really come out yet in full force) nor did I feel like I really did anything to deserve it.

And then the scope of the award was explained to me, as was my role. I shall spare you a lot of that summary, suffice to say it was incredibly moving to know just how well I am regarded and how people I respect see me in such positive ways.

So yeah, it was a great first GenCon.

Have a great evening. I'm off to eat something and crash out on the couch.