This post is going to be long, intensive and likely push some buttons. I make no apologies for this. I own my words and my beliefs.
Note: This conversation has been on-going, fought daily by amazingly brave, wonderful people who have fought incalculable struggles and continue despite adversity, vitriol and trolling. It's time we join in, and support them. I do not mean to say that I'm raising a flag no one else has, I'm saying I add my voice to the discourse, and seek better solutions.
How was your Sunday? Was it fun? Did you treat the people around you with kindness and compassion? Did you smile? Did you enjoy yourself? I hope you did.
My Sunday was eye-opening, and not just because I finally uncorked the barrel of fresh pickles. Now I am prohibited from naming names expressly, so what I will do is not point angry fingers at individuals, but do one better and join the conversation that will raise us all up.
It's time to join the very serious discussion about gender, about being taken advantage of, and about perpetuating acceptance, silence and acquiescence. Let me make this clear - I am a dude, I have hanging man-parts, I am white, I am straight. I am a gamer. I work within the gaming industry. I am one of the subset of people most often associated with a great many evils in this world. And NONE of that matters right now.
What matters is this - that we stop being quiet about how some people get treated, whether because their gender is different, or because their persuasion is different, or because they don't know as much as you know, or because they look/act different than you in some way, big or small. Or whatever - mistreatment/harassment is wrong regardless of reason.
There exist predators in the world - people who would take advantage of others because they are bullies or feel superior or crave power. And when we see or encounter or hear about these predators, even if they are not directly targeting us specifically, we have to speak up. YOU, you there reading this, YOU must speak up when you see this happen. Especially if it's not directly happening to you, if for no other reason than you don't want it to happen to you.
So why be silent? Why let women be objectified or homosexuals harassed or racial groups persecuted? Do you like that? Does it make you feel stronger or better than others when you can de-value someone else? Does it make your own pain go away, even if only for a moment?
Now maybe you say, "Oh it's not my responsibility, let someone else handle it." And maybe you're okay with that abject cowardice, letting someone else handle problems just so that you're not bothered or inconvenienced and so you can go about your day.
But when your phone rings and one of your friends is in tears, what will you do then? Hang up because talking to them is totally killing your morning? Not offer your friend help because that means you might have to clear off the couch? Not tell them to call the police or a lawyer (or both) because that means you might not be able to spend the day staring at the TV? How selfish are you?
Yes, you can say, "But that hasn't happened to me." Sure, it hasn't happened to you, but maybe it has already happened to your friend and they just haven't told you because they thought maybe they couldn't come to you, or worse, maybe they thought it wasn't a problem and they should just shut up and take the abuse, take the shame, take the confusing guilt because their abuser, their monster, told them "That's just how things work"?
That's not how things work. Things don't have to be that way anymore. Not for anyone, attacked, harassed, scared or otherwise. Not anymore. Let this post start the conversation. Let people know that it's okay to talk about what happened and what could happen and how it should stop and how to stop it and how things can turn out differently if we all chose sound over silence.
This is not about me. Not about my problems, my demons, my past or anything. I'm not doing this because I have some agenda, I'm not looking for praise or glory or sex or money. I'm having this conversation because it is the right thing to do, and no matter what, that doesn't change.
Men: I don't know if you know this, but women are not your servants, your pets, your property or your disposable toys. They aren't asking for it. They aren't all sluts if they do something or bitches if they don't. They aren't worth less than you are. They don't exist so that you can leer at them, touch them without asking, or get something from them. They're just not. Generalities are damning.
Ladies: Watch out for those generalities. It's not "all" men who are the problem, is it? That fear, that anxiety that some man, someone you may or may not know could harm you, that's not because the entire gender gave you evidence, right? It was one case, or a dozen cases or a dozen hundred cases, but still, not the whole. I ask you, respectfully, don't condemn everyone. It both obfuscates the actually guilty and shame-pressures the rest of us. It's another kind of bullying, though you may not see it as such.
Take note, I am not minimizing the harms you have suffered. I am not saying that what happened to you, man or woman, is unimportant or inconsequential. I am saying that no one should have that happen to them, and it's time we all talk about it, so that it doesn't happen again, to anyone.
Why do we stay silent? Because we're afraid it will happen again, because it may be worse the second time? I admit I was afraid to write this post for fear that either men will storm my house and break my legs or that feminists will crucify me. But the conversation, the act of bringing light to the topic is more important than my legs, or what a little shit I used to be.
We all agree that it shouldn't happen right? That harassment in any form is a bad thing, yes? There's a simple litmus test that even the most self-absorbed can take: Would you want it to happen to you?
Here are scenarios, please ask yourself if you want them to happen to you. I omit genders and names intentionally.
1. You are sitting with a group a friends when a person you don't know walks up to you and begins unbuttoning your shirt. In front of your friends. Without provocation.
2. You're an artist, you create a half dozen sketches and the person who hired you cannot pay you. They grab your belt and suggest that they have other ways to make it up to you.
3. You're starting a new job in a new city. On your first night at work, your supervisor comes to you and asks you to work late, promising more pay if you go into the bathroom and have sex first.
4. You are at a convention, a huge place with tens of thousands of people. It's big and noisy and busy. As you walk down the cramped aisles, you're pretty sure two or three people grabbed your ass, and then blended back into the anonymous crowd.
5. You go to a bar, meet up with some friends, and have a few drinks. You're enjoying yourself, but in the confusion, you're pretty sure you picked up a friend's drink, but you're friends so it didn't matter. Only it didn't taste right, and you're pretty sure now you've been drugged.
Disclaimer - One of these events happened to me, two happened to women, two happened to men.
When a problem like this happens, regardless of circumstance, regardless of the "authority" of the person involved, once is too often. These things shouldn't happen.
So why don't we talk about them? Why aren't we every week having these discussions? Chances are because they're uncomfortable discussions. You have to be honest during them. You have to be mature during them. You have to figure out how you feel about things. And it can be scary. It can be difficult. You may in fact discover that you dislike your answers once you've given them.
But there's hope, you can improve your answers. You can do right the thing and stop being silent. You can make your voice heard and you can help other people find their own answers.
Now, yes, let's make a note -- other people may have answers that are different than your answers to whatever tough questions pop up. But unless their answer contributes to hurting people, their answer is not wrong. There isn't only one wrong or one right. The issue(s) are bigger than that. You can have honest discussions where people don't agree AND who aren't hurt by what the other person believes.
But if what you believe is leading to the hurt of others, either because you're acting on what you believe or you're not acting on what you believe, then you still have time to change.
Don't let this go on. Is it really so hard to help, not hurt others? Is it really such a crime not to perpetuate the bullshit beliefs that some people are less capable than others? How big of an inconvenience is it to look after your own friends and all work together to make that all of you are having a good, comfortable, time?
And in the industry, let's stop being quiet. It doesn't matter what company you work for, what game you play, what your position is or how long you've been there. You can make your voice be heard and call out the problems so that we can all work together (man, woman, feminist, whatever) to find the solution that makes the problem go away.
We're starting to have that kind of talk regularly about mental health. It looks to me like gender is the next big issue on the docket. And that's a good thing.
I don't expect this problem to be solved overnight. I expect that changing minds and actions will take time. They are worth it. They cross all boundaries of location, economics, company and product. It goes beyond politics. It's a matter of taking care of other people, not knocking them down a few pegs so you can get your ideas across or make yourself feel potent.
Let's help one another through this. Let's join the discussion. Let's stop being silent.
*standing ovation*
ReplyDeleteOh, and thanks for tying in mental health with that. Lately all the discussion over, say, the school shootings has been, ban guns. Ban violent video games. And I think, those are only the symptoms of the real problem. The real problem is that that kid sat in his room for hours, with no friends, nothing, playing violent games, and no one thought that that was a problem. No one thought to go check on him. All this regret is, as always, in retrospect.
The American solution: throw money at it and hope it goes away. The American mental health solution: throw pills at people and eject them into society often without proper supervision or professional care, and hope they keep taking their meds.
And as for harassment, I am consistently disgusted not only by the ways people find to hurt and harass other people, but by their reactions when the wronged party says or does something. Like how if you unbutton my shirt in public, I will punch you right the hell in the face, and the harasser will probably act like I overreacted and it's all my fault.
Or just examples like this: I go to a bar with some girlfriends. A guy buys me a drink and asks me back to his place. I say thanks, but I'm in a relationship. He says, "So?" like it doesn't even matter. If I go with him I'm a slut. If I turn him down, I'm a bitch. If I throw my glass of wine in his face, I'm an awesome bitch, but I probably get kicked out of the bar...
I appreciate the sentiment to speak out, the more voices we have the better chance we have to shift anything.
ReplyDeleteI'm just going to add one thing.
The big about "Hey ladies, don't go blamin' all the guys for these dudes" line is an old chestnut you're probably going to want to throw out. You see, pretty much most women I know don't hate guys, and don't blame guys as a monolith when things go wrong. In fact, out of all the people I know and have met I can think of only one person who had this kind of mentality.
When people are throwing out terms when having a discussion and say "men" what they're saying is a short hand. Why? Because when we talk about domestic violence the majority of it is committed by men. When we talk about sexual assault, we're talking about the majority of it being committed by men. When we talk about sexual harassment, the majority of it is committed by ... you guessed it men. It's a short hand, because if you spend the entire time writing out the disclaimers then you'd waste your time talking about that.
We do it elsewhere. When we talk about boardgames we include things like Munchkin and say Red Dragon Inn because there part of that conversation even though they're card games. You know I'm including them when we're talking about boardgames, but then there's that jerk who goes around shouting, "But no, there are card games, you need to differentiate ... oh! And what about tile games, those aren't boards exactly ... why do you have to ignore them!"
And so on, and so on.
What you might want to do is check out something like Melissa McEwan's The Terrible Bargain We Have Struck and one of their 101 posts that might be relevant.
http://www.shakesville.com/2009/08/terrible-bargain-we-have-regretfully.html
http://www.shakesville.com/2012/12/feminism-101-helpful-hints-for-dudes.html
Thanks again for writing, we do need people to be constantly speaking up, and for people to be constantly speaking up about speaking up.
I want to feel shocked that this is happening, and in a way I am but only because I have worked in a predominately female health care environment for many years in a geographical area that has emphasised diversity. To encounter that kind of behaviour while just doing my job is astonishing, and to normalise it as something that goes with the territory comes close to criminal. Actually, what you've described IS criminal so let's not beat about the bush - the people who drugged, assaulted, demanded sexual favours instead of pay or to facilitate promotion are criminals, not pallid inadequates who never got a life. Life, in fact, is what some of them might find themselves doing, if they keep that up.
ReplyDeleteWell spoken, John. I wonder if a campaign Facebook page might be a way forward.
Honestly, the only thing that bothers me about this post is that the culture of silence is so strong that you felt the need to add disclaimers and warn people that it might be button-pushing. Anything to try and appease the butthurt, sexist comments that inevitably pop up when someone points out that sexual interaction should be completely consensual and not someone's God-given right whether the other person wants it or not. :P I guess as a woman I'm used to that kind of crap by now, but yeah, it's intimidating at first. The only way to overcome the intimidation is to say it loud, say it proud.
ReplyDeleteMy apologies everyone, I was not alerted to the presence of comments until just a moment ago, else you all would have received responses. If you'll permit me, I'll reply en masse:
ReplyDelete@Laura: I disclaimed what I did so that it would serve as warning and signpost to anyone, although I cannot deny that I wanted to make sure the sensitive were not hurt in this. My earlier drafts of this post were quite vitriolic, loud and profane and ultimately I felt that making a point was more important than daisy-chaining together a variety of expletives or assertions as to what someone's mother does in their spare time.
It's my hope (and plan) that a well-thought statement can do better than a loud one.
@Jonathan: It was your comment that made me pause the longest, primarily because you used "we" in it, and I'm unaware that you and I have any affiliation. I don't mean to be annoyingly literal, and my apologies if I am, but I wanted to thank you for those links, and at the same time mention that I do my best when speaking or writing not to generalize. If I do not specify a gender, I am not meaning to, so that I am as clear and transparent as possible. It is still a habit-in-progress, I don't claim to be perfect at it, but I do my best to say precisely what I mean, without shorthand.
@Suzanne: The person described in this post is currently pursuing a great deal of legal action. I am confident that things will work out for the best in the very near future. I have not given thought to a Facebook campaign of any type, but it is not a bad idea. I'll tack up on my corkboard and muse over it tonight.
Ah! What I meant was more along the lines of, since this was such a well-reasoned and thought-out post, why should you apologize for it? I didn't mean to suggest that you should be brash and rude instead.
ReplyDelete