Monday, April 22, 2013

The Writer and Pain, the next morning

So, I wrote at length last night how I felt. It was disjointed, it sort of warbled in tone, it felt good to put words to feelings. And then I went to bed. I slept pretty well, only one weird dream about gelatinous discs adhering to my flesh, the color of old cereal milk. I have no idea, I haven't had milk in months (not since someone told me that the best way to lose weight is to cut milk out of your diet, and for the record, I didn't lose much weight from that).

Anyway, I woke up to an explosion of messages about what I wrote. About 80% of them were deeply encouraging and the remainder weren't quite chastisement, but rather reminders of "hey, you shouldn't post when you're down". Let me address the 20% first.

I know. I know there's a danger in posting something "down", that it erodes professionalism, that it may chase away readers, that it may be weakness, or worse still that it causes a spiraling effect in me, that I brood and ruminate over the words and their associated memories and plunge down deeper into whatever negative head-space I'm in.

And those are great reasons to stay quiet. But I'm not comfortable being quiet. If my post last night, and this one today, cause me to lose readers or lose clients, then okay, that's how this goes. I'll accept that when it happens and I'll learn right quick never to broadcast a  less-than-good day.

Thank you for saying I should effort not to do what I did. Thank you for looking out for me. Thank you, honestly and truly, for not wanting me to get worse.

Now, the 80%. Hi everyone. I am so touched that so many people wrote me at length, some of them considerable length, and so many people left me voicemails and encouraging emails. As I said last night, I wasn't writing what I did so that people would circle wagons around me, so that they'd go out of their way to tell me positive things, and at no time this morning have I felt that anything anyone said last night or this morning was insincere or forced. Thank you.

It means a lot to me that so many people took time out of their evenings, nights or mornings to say something, even a tweet. I got everything from "I love you." to "I'm always excited to see what you do next." to "I got your back." And I don't have enough words to express my gratitude to everyone. Thank you.

Today is a new day, the sun is sort of out, and I'm alright. I'm still tired. It still feels like someone is swapping my bone marrow for a lead paste. But whereas last night was "I'm a failure", this morning it's all "I failed at something I did." (and yeah, you can point out that someone else saying 'No' isn't exactly a failure on my part, I get that too) That mental distinction away from "me" and onto "things I do" is huge for me (go team therapy!) and it's enough of a hope spark to get me thinking that this feeling of density and tiredness is temporary. Which is awesome, because oh man, I've been awake an hour and I'm tired again.

You're good people, and you improve my life astronomically, and I'm blessed, lucky and grateful to know you, work with you, play games with you and share my life with you. (Not necessarily in that order).

I'm still physically tired today, don't expect me to do much more than sort of sit and play with the dog or do some light vegetating. My brain wants to go forward, go make things, go kick some positive ass, but the body isn't there yet.

You're awesome friends, family and loved ones. Thank you.