The Writer and Pain

I'm writing this when I'm tired, despite the numerous people telling that the best thing I can do is go to bed for eight to ten hours. I am writing this because today I hurt, and I hurt in a way that goes deeper than bone or marrow, and it wasn't until about twenty-six minutes ago that I even thought today was a good day.

See, on Friday, I had a big dream of mine crushed. And I don't mean crushed like the way you lose a video game by an embarrassing score, I mean crushed the way an addict grinds up a good pill, or the way the weight of the world hangs like an anchor down between your shoulder blades when you're just worn down to the last nerve. I will spare you the specifics, but just know this - I had hope, I had a plan to do a very awesome thing, and it would have in turn lead to some very awesome praise, which would have led to even more awesome things.

And this isn't just about me being told "No." I hear "No" a lot. This didn't feel like a "No, we're not interested in what you're offering to do", which I hear all the time, so much so that it's just a part of doing business. This felt like "No, you loser, no, you sad fat sick piece of shit, you don't get to sit at the big-kid-table of success, because you spent every single one of your formative years out of your mind, and all your best experiences happened outside the normal boundaries, and this thing you want to do, this idea, it's not inside the box we expect ideas to come in, so take it and roll your ass out the door."

That hurts. It hurts because I had to have conversations with people I respect, people I admire, my friends, people who look at me as a mentor and as a friend and I had to tell them, "Yeah, this didn't work out." I had to be more than mature, I had to be brave and strong and big and ready, and I wanted so badly to tell them I'm none of those things right now, because I hurt, just like you. Maybe not the same way, but I hurt too.

I had a good day Saturday. I laughed and smiled and was with the person I love and despite freezing temperatures, for the first time in my adult life, enjoyed a baseball game simply for being in the seat, not because I was obligated to attend it - I got to be me. Side note - I love all times when I get to be me.

But I thought that "being me" meant that I could only be the positive me, the me with good news, the me who was excited to share this whizz-bang set of mechanics that makes something fun, the me who laughs an obnoxious laugh that makes prudish people stare at restaurants.

This weekend taught me that being me means I get to be me with the bruises showing. That it's okay to sit in a car in a Starbucks parking lot, biting back tears because you're just so tired and just so hurt, and you're past anger over the not-getting-a-thing, you're fighting and clawing your way out of a hole lined with oil and glass, sliding and getting cut. Bleeding and falling.

Because, I don't know if you know this, but sometimes, it's hard not to feel like a failure. It's hard, even in the face of people who can point to your successes and you say to them, "Yeah, but that's the past." and you look at the present and you see things you're *not* doing, and you look at the future and all you see is, even if for a moment, how hard it might be to do the things you want.

Now I don't know if I'm going to feel this way come Monday morning. I hope I don't, this sucks. This sucks because it hurts, and it sucks because it's draining. It's a leech, and it makes every breath feel like I'm taking it through concrete cheesecloth and that every limb is weighed down in lead blankets like at the dentist's office.

I'm tired, this hurts. This is my illness talking. This isn't me. I don't know if it is me or not, but at this moment, this is my experience, and these are my feelings. I don't want any of you to feel the ache that comes with wanting something and not getting it, I don't want any of you to have to push off your plans and dreams because there's any measure of other-people-telling-you-no.

I make a living somewhat invisibly, which is why I started doing development and why I reignited the fire under me to do more interviews and speaking. This is not a post where I want your praise. This is not a pity party. This is a tired man's ramble. These are the disjointed thoughts of someone in pain. These are the thoughts of someone who is taking his one talent, wordcraft, and making something of it.

Big sigh. Pause here a minute. Exhale. Wish you were getting a hug right now. These are the things I say to myself when only the dog is listening.

When you get a chance to go after a big dream, go for it. Let nothing stop you. Not even the fear of getting hurt, which might happen. If it happens, it happens, you manage it the best you can. And if you get hurt, be hurt, not immobilized. Not paralyzed. Just hurt, for a little while. Wounds mend. Moods pass. I learned that tonight in a Starbucks parking lot.

I'm tired. I got denied one dream and yeah, it feels like right now there's this dryspell, that I'm not in the center of a great productive hurricane like I was a few months ago. But that's nobody's fault - it's not always going to be the busiest you've ever been. It is what it is. I wish it didn't hurt sometimes to say that, or type (each finger striking a key feels like falling down a flight of stairs) it.

Here's to hoping things improve. Here's to tomorrow, which is a better day because it starts new and hasn't been written yet.

Post #100 - Thank You Editors, Writers and Publishers

This is officially the longest I've ever maintained a blog. So I'd like to look back for a minute and sum up things to date:

1. This blog is a pretty good combination of my life and my business, and I'm happy with sharing the things I share.
2. A year ago this time, I was feeling the heat that I was failing professionally, and strongly considered getting a cubicle or retail job - the clients were infrequent, the checks moreso and I was really unsure of what the next steps were. (Note: Some people will step in here and say they are the cause for my upswing and success, and I want to take this sentence to thank them for their support. They were helpful, and I do not minimize their efforts, but I also don't maximize them either.)
3. My personal life has been...well, an adventure. And right now, I'm in some pretty intense therapy. So if you're wondering why I'm handling things differently, thank my therapist, my psychiatrist and the support group. They've helped me figure out more about myself in 2 weeks than a whole load of experiences and failures over 2 years. I look forward to keeping that up and going onward and upward.
4. I cannot claim to be cured, or in remission, but I can tell you that who I was a month ago and who I am now are not the same person - this isn't because I'm conflating things and posting bravado, this is because I finally had no other choice but to stare myself in a metaphoric mirror and get a handle on my shit. Not easy, not fun. But progress.
5. Where this blog goes for the next 100 posts, I don't know. I've got classes I want to teach in the fall. I've got Conventions I want to travel to, people I want to meet, and I'd like this blog to be my record of that.

Now, onto the message of the day.

I want to thank all the editors, writers and publishers I have come to know and work with this last year. I had toyed with mentioning them by name, but felt that such a list was grandiose. I then tried paring down the list, but thought that it was too exclusionary. I have since settled on this statement --

To everyone who has met me, talked to me, shared their ideas with me, hired me, retained me, and paid me, thank you so much for making me one thousand million percent sure that what I'm doing as an editor and consultant is the absolute best course for my life.

To everyone I have spoken with, carpooled with, been to your homes, read your manuscripts, exchanged emails with, laughed with, played games with, ran games with, been supported by, confided in, shilled for, helped, listened to, consulted, advised, amused, chatted with and been introduced to, thank you so much for making my life better.

I know that what I do sometimes becomes more than just my job; that it is a passion and in part an identity, and that I'm not known for my thank-yous or recognizing my friends, peers, employers and colleagues, but I'm making an effort to change that, and I hope that you all can forgive me for how I was, and understand that I'm doing all in my power to get better. For me, for once.

I know that I've not always been the best sort of guy - my tone still sucks, I can be a real jerk and an ass, and that I haven't always been the kind of person people want to be around, or that I haven't always wanted to be around people. To the people I've hurt, I am sorry. I will not air out my laundry for everyone to see, but I will say my apologies publicly - I am sorry that anything I did or didn't do upset you. I'm sorry I lied, I ignored, I stayed quiet, I boasted, I bitched....all of it. I know that for some people this is just more hot air from the jerk, and I know that I'm not going to be trusted or liked and that every word I'm writing is another nail in the coffin that buries me. Whatever. See above statements about being different now. I cannot make you believe it, that's up to you. All I can do is work on being the best me possible.

Editors, thank you for letting me work alongside you, for you, with you and under your expert tutelage. I am a better editor, writer and enthusiast of craft because I can point to the lessons you've taught me. I learn new things every day, and am so lucky and grateful to have the opportunities to do so.

Publishers, thank you for taking a chance on me. A year ago, I was just another guy in a room who happened to know a thing or two about getting books into peoples' hands. (That post is coming...wait for November) And now my name has been on projects, some people even know who I am, and I finally have a use for all these thousands of business cards. Without you, I'd be...well, probably making $35 a week teaching how to write query letters.

Writers, it is to you I owe the greatest thanks. You have brought me such joy, such happiness, such moments of clarity as I face down my preconceived notions, biases, shitty attitudes and nonsense en route to finding and refining my core value of "Help tell the best stories". I am so lucky to count some of you among not only my clients or acquaintances, but also my friends. All three of those things, I didn't have too many of last year. Again, what a difference a year makes.

I really have been #livingthedream this past year. Thank you all for it.

For those that don't know, my birthday is Tuesday. I have to be honest and tell you I don't quite know how I'll feel or what to do, but I can tell you I'm treating it like any other Tuesday (weather permitting) - I'm going to get up early, walk a few miles, then go to therapy and come home and work. There's also a dinner-thing happening. If you see me online Tuesday, please feel free to say hello.

Thanks for reading these 100 posts. I know some of them have been more popular than others. I know some of them have been better written than others. I'll keep being awesome for the next 100, I promise.

I'll be back probably Friday to talk more writing. Happy writing.

P.S. 2 things: Make sure you thank your editors. And please for the love of Pete, if you're not sure you need an editor, talk to one first. DO NOT trust your Aunt Petunia with your manuscript. She may have cooties. Or be an idiot.

Forward Vs Lateral Movement

No, not football.

What I'm talking about today has both a writing/gaming component and a writing-lifestyle component. I'm not really sure where to start, so let's start with the broadest and work our way down. 

How's Your Life?

Lately, I've been doing two things differently -- I'm eating decadently (on a budget!) and paying for it afterward. I guess it's because I'm in my thirties now, so this shouldn't be a scientific breakthrough or great revelation for anyone, but I can't eat the same things or the same way I used to, say, ten years ago. 

I can eat pretty much anything I want, barring allergies, but not that doesn't mean, I'm discovering, that I should.  Big heavy meals weigh me down and put me in a fog. Meals that scream "Yeah I'm healthy, look how cruciferous I am!" often taste like lint and leave me ready to gnaw off someone's arm. I will even admit to getting way too freaked out that what I'm eating (which is seldom fried, seldom battered and seldom wrapped in other foodstuffs) is going to immediately kill me (thanks scare tactics of diets and nutrition, way to make me feel powerless). 

After one weekend where I ate far too much, I started taking stock of my food-life. Sure I'm getting the 8 glasses of water a day (sometimes more), and sure I'm avoiding too much junk food (because there just isn't any in the house), but I look over my life and see that I'm not in the best health. Forget the shape, forget muscles, I just want to be healthier. 

To that end, I'm making better food choices, eating regular portions, eating regularly and doing my best to stay hydrated. It's not a thorough diet plan, it's not a complete panic-inducing revamp of the food I eat. This is forward progress, I'm moving towards my goal.

Lateral progress was all that time I spent thinking about getting to the goal, but not taking any steps to get there - reading reviews, putting off going to the bookstore, listening to podcasts talk about the book, etc. 

This same question of lateral-vs-forward comes up every time I look at other things in my life.

My book -- GOAL: Finishing it

Forward Progress - Writing new pages

Lateral Progress - Buying/reading books about how to write those pages, watching movies and tv shows that demonstrate how scenes look, talking about writing pages.

The state of my office -- GOAL: Cleaning it

Forward Progress - Cleaning the desk off, filing papers away, throwing out/shredding what I don't need

Lateral Progress - Buying organizational racks, shelves and items to sort out things (while still leaving so many piles), thinking/feeling that I'll never make any headway

My income -- GOAL: Having more of it

Forward Progress - Being visible and helpful to others, finding clients, doing work, sending invoices

Lateral Progress - Bitching about how after I pay my bills I don't have much money left, scrounging up change out of laundry, swearing to never again buy stuff all week (see above)

See what I'm getting at? 

Sometimes, the lateral progress looks like forward progress, and for whatever reason, I guess because it's not difficult or changing the state of anything, it feels like I'm making progress to my goal. 

Forward progress isn't always fun. Forward progress on eating better means I have to amend my grocery lists, exercise some willpower and spend time actually cooking better things rather than settling. It takes work, but the goal is worth it, isn't it? So why not do it? That's the lesson I'm learning now. 

Forward and Lateral Around The Table And At The Desk

We revisit this idea of forward and lateral progress when we sit down to play a game. Board and card games aside, let's look at role-playing experiences. 

The Forward element is the plot of the campaign. Whether that's killing the dragon, solving the murder mystery, reaching level 10 or defeating the conspiracy against you, Forward comes in when the player(s) do things that bring them closer to resolving that goal. 

The Lateral element is a little trickier, since sometimes people will argue that the lateral movements are just as important as the Forward ones. For example, my brother and I spent WEEKS playing Final Fantasy X when it came out, maxing our characters' stats, acquiring all the items and weapons and basically lording over everything on the digital landscape. We didn't advance the plot too far while this was happening, because we were too busy in making it easier for that to happen.

You see, we had this idea in our heads that if we did all these side quests and branches off the main plot tree, the main plot would be easier. And while that's true (the items we got as rewards totally made the endgame simpler), it speaks to the underlying issue - we thought the endgame would be hard, and that we were too unprepared. 

As GMs we can offer players a lot of paths to follow, no matter the game system. We can give the paladin a sidequest to get a horse, we can tell the secret agents to spend some time protecting their family members from attack. Sometimes, the players jump at these actions because it's a break from the main story, or because it offers them a chance to be at the center of attention for a little while, but other times they take based on how it's sold to them.

If a side quest is sold with the same intensity as the main quest, you can't expect them to be able to make the distinction that one is superior to the other, and by extension, that they should or shouldn't throw their full weight of focus towards that new (and perceived important) goal. 

A lot of this has to do with how the hook is baited, and if the players are invested in their characters. A lot of this also has to do with the reward offered. Too great a reward, or if the reward is thought to be bigger, more immediate or more useful than the reward of the main plot, naturally the players are going to jump at it. How could they not?

Some games mechanize around this possibility by creating conditions that lead the hero(es) into side quests so that they gain material or knowledge they must apply to the main quest -- Link can't fight Ganon until he has all the pieces of the TriForce nor can Mario reach Bowser without first traversing the level(s) of the castle. 

Writers I didn't forget about you - many genres (detective in particular) hinge on the idea that the bigger case is related to the smaller case or its solution. Likewise, we can bog down protagonists with side quests that develop emotions or responsibilities or new character arcs outside of the change represented by the main plot. 

So What Can We Do?
Writers, it's time to face the possibility that you're going to finish your book. And that this book isn't going to be perfect, but it will be complete - with a plot and character development and all the trappings therein. Forget the idea that you have to X number of plots and subplots, that you have to have exactly this number of scenes that develop specifically this or that idea and that flashbacks all have to be a certain and specific length. Accept that you're going to finish the story, and it's going be a good thing, and it will get edited and become a better thing.

Gamers, take a good look at your players. (Designers, you take a look at your audience) There is a very good chance that they're not going to take the bait on many of the hooks you throw at them. The problem is that you don't know which hooks they'll take and which they won't, so you just have to keep putting them all out there. Sometimes they'll move laterally, sometimes they'll go forward. What you can do is offer them the best path forward (the most compelling, interesting, superlative story) and the most evocative path laterally (so that when they step off the plot, they're immersed in the flavor and the world(s) you've built).

Remember - this isn't a one-or-the-other, all-or-nothing prospect. You can do very well for yourself making steps forward while laying out side routes along the way. It's also not required that you sprint towards the finish line. We all want that end goal, we all want our work to be published, there's no reward for finishing ahead of other people, because the market(s) we're going into are wide enough to support all of us. Don't fall for that scarcity-trap. We can all "win" at this.

Happy writing

Game Design Equation, Part 3 - Mechanics

We looked the other day at the over all equation, and today, thanks to several nice emails I got, I want to talk a little about mechanics. Absent from this conversation will be a lengthy section about probability and the mathematics of outcome, because quite frankly that topic either confuses or bores me and I'd rather not have it explained to me, so that I can explain it to you.

But where I can offer you, game designer, some help is in mechanical text. 'Mechanical text' refers to the paragraph(s) that accompanies the math. And it is almost exclusively the area an editor dreads for two reasons:

1. If something gets changed here, then the mechanics may change as a result.
2. If something doesn't get changed, then the mechanics may be misunderstood.

So into this minefield we plunge.

I've brought you three red flags to look for in your own game. If you're doing any of these things, go talk to an editor immediately and ask for help. No, seriously, do it. These mistakes are causing your game to not work, costing you sales and ultimately making you not successful. And they're fixable, so why not do something about them.

I. Big complicated math, weak text
One of the first danger zones for game designers is the very rigid thinking that the game mechanics have to explain the majority of 'How' and 'Why' of the game. To task the roll of dice with moving the story forward is a sign of a weak and timid design.

The dice's job is just to see if a particular challenge is succeeded or to grant a number/level on a particular variable for part of a story-equation. Read that again. And then again.

The dice are there to give you numbers to quantify story elements and act as a binary "Did you succeed or fail" checksum. Nothing else.

The dice say you've got a skill of 60 in Firearms. How that expresses itself as part of your character is not the job of the dice, but rather that of the feel of the game, the quality of the player and the tone the GM is looking to set.

The dice say you've got a strength of 11. And the table in the book says that means you can carry so many pounds or have this percent-chance to bash in a door. Again, those facts are information for challenges a player may face down the road. How that strength score impacts the nature of the character is left to the player.

Now, let's go grab some complicated mechanics.

[Herbalism Test] + [Chemistry Test]  + [Intelligence] > [Recipe Difficulty per round]  + [Situation Penalties]

That's an old potion-brewing mechanic. Let's look at the text that went with it.

Roll the relevant skills and exceed the penalties. 

No seriously, that's all it said. My notes in the margin do actually say, "Thanks Captain Obvious."

While that text might be true (it is, that's just a really boiled down way of phrasing it), it's not enough. This shows that the writer/designer thinks the player will "get it" if they haven't already.

Important tip - It's the writing's job and purpose to make sure the players get it by the time they're done reading. Not before, not during.

What makes that mechanic so complicated?

1. The "Test" refers to a percentile skill check against both the skill and the 'Learning Curve'...so really you're rolling 2 percent-checks and hoping you win them both.
2. After each test (so that's 4 rolls, 2 per Skill), you check against your Intelligence, which was another percentile.

So on one side of the equation, that's 5 rolls.

On the other, the potion you wanted to brew was checked against a single table and then divided by the player's choice of rounds -- they got to pick how long it took them to make it -- and then you simply assessed any penalties like being Crippled, or Blind or working in a crappy lab.

Yes, I said the players got to pick how long it took to make the potion. And yes, as you'd expect, everyone said they'd craft the potion in 1 round, which was a flat 10 on the difficulty table.

So, 5 percentile rolls versus Penalties plus ten. 

Or for the crunchy math nerds:

79 + 80 + 19 > 10 +(-50)

And you wonder why the game sold so poorly...

Text that serves as instructions has to be clear, not patronizing and written generally in a structure that encourages people to actually feel like they can do it. It's always better to overwrite the sentences and get them trimmed, than to underwrite and leave people guessing.

II. 'Swiss Army' Mechanics
I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but your game doesn't actually have to do EVERYTHING. If you're writing a game about the struggles of pioneers (finally, someone will tell the true story of the Donner party....), then you don't need to go outside the scope of 'pioneers' and I should not see mechanics for space travel, alien languages, complicated firearms, siege weapons or magic.

I'm not saying you have to over-specify (though if you do, you're only pressuring yourself to really deliver on specific experiences), but you don't need to make a themed-game into a one-game-to-rule-them-all book.

How this creeps into game design is when the design starts straying from their strengths (alliteration!) and allows worry and extraneous thinking to clutter their minds.

Your game, right now, what's it about. Say it. Don't mumble. Yes, it's fine if you have a few 'Um' and 'Uhh' in there. Good for you if you're able to explain it in a few sentences. (If you couldn't....PRACTICE.)

Within the scope of what you just said, surely you can find things that don't belong. If your game is about space exploration and colonization, I probably won't expect to see a horse-racing minigame, will I? Or if your game is about gypsy assassins, there probably won't be cyborgs, right?

But, you say, I like all these things, shouldn't they be in a game?

Yes, they should be in A game. That doesn't mean it has to be THIS game does it?

Have a good serious discussion with an editor about your mechanics, and if you've got far more mechanics than you've got story elements or reason for them, maybe you've got two games sandwiched together, and you can now be the proud designer of TWO games, not one. Mazel Tov, or whatever.

III. Far Too Many Dice Syndrome
Roll percentiles for your skills. Roll d20 for your attributes. Resolve conflicts with Fudge Dice. Determine hit location and severity of injury with a deck of playing cards.  Can you imagine that all in one game? (I can. I wrote a game with all that in it....sigh.)

How many different types of dice are you asking players and GMs to roll during a session of play? Make a list.

For the above freakshow of a game, here's mine:

• 3 different mechanics during combat (to-hit, damage, defense)
• 1 mechanic for unopposed skill checks
• 1 different mechanic for opposed skill checks
• 1 mechanic for investigation and clue discovery
• 1 mechanic for clue interpretation
• 2 mechanics for magic (channeling power and spell casting)
• 3 mechanics for psionics (channeling power, mental attack, mental resistance)

What you're doing when you load up on mechanics is telling the players that all these situations could arise in any given session at any time.

Should mechanics trump story? That's a question for the designer/writer to answer. (Pro tip: Figure out that answer before you find an editor.)

I've not written this thinking your game has all these red flags. Maybe your game doesn't have any of these problems. Maybe you know of games that do though. And maybe that's who you're going to talk to about this post. 

If you've got a game that's doing this or something that you fear is worse, let's talk about it.

One cake, many slices - How do you get what's fair?

Good morning everyone. Before you come read the rest of this article, please look at the following:

http://davidgaughran.wordpress.com/2011/12/11/how-much-do-you-want-to-get-paid-tomorrow/

And at some point, my good friend Chuck will have a post about it, and I'll link there too. But, I'll go first for now.

We're all writers. We all want our books in other people's hands and on their shelves after we get money in exchange. We crave their praise and encouragement, we are fed and nourished by their desires to imagine.

That money thing though, oh man, that's the tricky part.

You want to see a bunch of writers revert to those apes from 2001? Talk about money and royalties and getting paid.

I used to be one of those people who wanted to charge $40 for everything I did. Now I don't do that, and I'm much happier for it, but I do remember my thinking:


1. I'm not sure I'm good enough to be worth more.
2. With so many other writers out there, how is there going to be enough for me to ask for any more than that?

A lot of that was fear, and self-doubt, bubbling up through me like crappy John-isn't-awesome magma to lay waste to my future paradise.

But that's been abolished now, so we shall celebrate by plunging back into the fray to rescue others.

Amazon (and their Kindle) is what made me make the jump to self-publishing. Well, that, and I'm impatient and think new media should be embraced. Amazon most recently began this service called KDP Select. Allow me to give you a nice analogy.


We're all partying. Perhaps there is nut bark. Perhaps we're rocking out. Doesn't matter. But at this party there is cake. Let's call this cake KDP Select's money.


Now, we're all at this party, and this is such a rocking party that the whole house is packed, the line stretches out the door and down the street and into the next town. But....

There's only one cake. And this party is the only way to get this cake. And we can only cut this cake in progressively smaller and smaller slices to accommodate those people at the back of the line. 


Also, if you want a slice of this cake, you can't go to any other parties or throw any parties of your own. 

Now, do you still want the cake? I mean you're welcome to have some, and thanks for coming to the party, but there is a really good chance that you're going to get a very tiny slice, and I'm not sure this one cake is worth trading away your own ability to have parties.  (Note: I'm not sure ANY cake is worth that.)

I was on Twitter this morning (it's Sunday today) and there were some thoughts being tossed back and forth...and I started the conversation not so sure about what I had to say about KDP and their plan to be whatever it is they're turning out to be. By the middle of that conversation, after I read that link at the top of this post, I know what I want to say.

1. I agree with the sentiment that writers should be their own distribution hubs. It's our stuff, it's our hard work, and like the good folks of The Wire taught me, we should hustle to get it out there.

2. I believe now more than ever a writer can learn/be taught how to be their own distribution hub and their own conduit for success.

3. I think $500,000 is a cruel joke when it's split between so many deserving people, forcing a sort of brainy gladiator eat-your-own environment.

4. It doesn't take very much for a rebel to go mainstream, right Amazon? I mean, one minute you're letting people have options in publishing, now you're doing the same thing people went to self-publishing to avoid? Dirty pool.

5. A writer has to understand what they're willing to do, not do, go with, fight against, accept or rebel against, before they can even think of taking a side - education and information still trump ambition.

I don't think KDP is the way to go. It's not a panacea. It's an extension and mutation of the subscription system that breeds into exclusivity, rarity and scarcity. The competition in writing should be the talent, not the earnings.

You deserve cake. A big fat honking slice of cake.