Saturday, September 22, 2012

Weekend Post: Stray Thoughts

I'm writing this just after enjoying some psuedo-eggplant parm (which is grilled eggplant with tomatoes, roasted garlic and large disks of mozzarella cheese). I'm not sure whether I've slipped into a food coma (that meal WAS SO GOOD YOU GUYS) or whether I'm coming down with a cold or something but my thoughts seem to be both a little foggy and a little scattered.

So what better time to blog?

1. A Thought That Has Very Little To Do With Writing Or Games - If you're a regular reader of my blog, then you're no stranger to the details of my battles with depression and anxiety. (Don't worry, things on that front are great, the meds work, the treatment helps, all is well) But I've recently encountered a new feeling and haven't yet figured out where/how to sort it out.

I spent years, likely the bulk of my teen and adult life in sort of a fog of illness and depression, and only recently have I really been "awake". I'm starting to notice and feel a lot of things, most of them good, but I'm also starting to notice that one of the things I still need to work on is being nicer to myself about how I am physically.

The diet's working, I'm losing weight, I've got endurance and calf muscles and energy now, but I feel such pressure to look a certain way, to look fit or muscular as though that's my only chance to have someone talk to me in a social way, which I know is utter tripe, but that doesn't make the pressure any less real.

With my BP down, my cholesterol down, my weight down, and my triglycerides down, this shape, this sort of round in the middle shape is the best shape of my life. And sometimes it's really hard to love that shape. Not in that Lifetime movie sort of way, more like "I'm okay with how I look as I improve myself" way. Tonight I'm especially bothered by it because it's humid and I'm sweating through shirts left and right.

2. Big Step Taken! If you've been following me on Twitter, then you know I've been talking for awhile about getting a new computer. We don't need to talk about how old my current one is (here's a hint: I upgraded to Windows XP four months after I got it), and I'm not feeling terribly attached to it. It overheats, it shuts off, it crashes. I'm more attached to the ergonomic keyboard - I tend to burn through keyboards quickly - so there's not much of a heavy heart to see this one go.

I check the shipping information daily (hello obsession) and everything should be here this week. I look forward to have twelve times the RAM, and something like twenty times the hard drive capacity in something smaller and leaner than the subwoofer at my feet.

Why is this a big step? Because this, good readers, is me following through on something. This is the second "something" to get followed through (first was treatment), and while there's no certificate for owning a top of the line PC, I have to say that this project has been tremendously rewarding and I haven't even gotten the machine up and running yet. This tells me that if I can follow through now on TWO things of varying life-important sizes, I can get through anything. Like this humidity. Like yet another 750ml of water.

3. Writing! This morning I sat down to write. Words came sluggishly, but they did come, and I admit a few distractions along the way, but for the most part, writing in the absence of anxiety is something I can do. I was worried there for a while that without anxiety I wouldn't be able to conjure my imagination to be productive, but once I relaxed and let myself be creative (which will likely be a post unto itself), I have to say I enjoyed it.

Okay, enough stray thoughts for now.

Enjoy your weekend.