What Not To Send An Editor Part 2

As someone you can hire to help you write better, get published, get edited, improve your sales and get things done, I get a lot of strange requests and offers for help.

Previously, I started a list of what not to send me (or people like me) to get to help you. This is a continuation of that list.

REMEMBER - You can avoid making these mistakes by starting conversations and making things WAY less awkward. You can avoid ending up on lists like this one.

1. Please DO NOT send food OR food for any pets. This is not elementary school, I am totally not going to be swept off my feet because you made me rice krispie treats with peanut butter and bacon on them. And no, it's very likely you don't know the brand of dog food my dog prefers. And even if you send me these food items wrapped in cellophane and duct tape, I have no idea if there's a juicy bubonic / Dengue fever core in your baked goods. Any food I get is immediately trashed, unless I happen to know you and have eaten your cooking at least once before. 

2. Please DO NOT send drugs. I don't care if your story is best read/edited after a few good bong hits and three tabs of acid. I don't care if you have a sweet connection for some Bolivian Marching Powder. DO NOT send me drugs along with your manuscript. Two things will happen - I call the police and I tell every agent/editor I can find not to talk to you. 

3. Please DO NOT imply death threats or violence against individuals, families or pets. I'm really sorry that your writing career isn't taking off the way you hoped. I'm really sorry that you haven't bought that island with the royalties of your thirtieth novel. I'm really sorry that five agents rejected you in January, and that you have come to me as your last resort, and that if I don't some how miracle you a best-seller one of us "is going to have trouble in the near future". Or "that barking dog isn't going to bother you anymore". Just as with #2 above, should that happen, the police get called, my lawyer gets called and everyone I know hears about it. 

4. Please DO NOT send "unrated" editions of your manuscript as a "bonus". It's so totally not a bonus to know that you have alternate versions of chapters 11-14 where the two protagonists engage in a steamy incestuous relationship involving mustard greens, decorative soaps and safe words with more than ten letters. If the agent or editor likes your work and wants to see it, send them what they're asking for. 

5. Please DO NOT send encoded materials. Okay, it's cute, your manuscript has like a Da Vinci Code cipher going on. Great, there's a whole second act with anagrams and puns. Nifty. But if the agent/editor wants to see the work, they shouldn't have to break out their Little Orphan Annie decoder ring in order to read your work. Be sure to drink your Ovaltine and send them what they're asking for, not Roman ciphers and cryptogram paragraphs. 

6. Please DO NOT think you're 'doing anyone a favor' by submitting your work. Okay, your query/pitch was intriguing, someone has asked to see more of your work. This is our job, this is what we do -- we're not singling you out from the human race and taking you aboard our space craft, nor are you the next great supreme chancellor of the galaxy. It's our job to look at work, and your job to send it. 

7. Please DO NOT include extra material "for when there's down time" or "when you're bored". I'm not sure if you know this, but my editorial schedule is now booked through LABOR DAY 2012. I mean yes, I have a few days off here and there so I can do things like laundry and grocery shopping and maybe, if I'm lucky go out to dinner with friends or family, but huge chunks of each month have been booked (And some months, booked completely). When I get bored, I have loads of other things to do that aren't editing. Ask yourself - when you get bored at your job, do you do more work to get less bored? Didn't think so. If I say send me a chapter or a manuscript or whatever, that's all I want. 

8. Please DO NOT sign me up for magazine subscriptions. If you are going to send me a package in the mail or via UPS or Fed Ex, please do not make use of whatever address I provide and sign me up for magazines, periodicals and random porn catalogs. I can use Google too, you're not showing me too much I haven't seen already.

9. Please DO NOT send a DVD along with your manuscript. If you send your manuscript and enclose with it a personalized DVD thanking me for reading your manuscript and/or considering taking you on as a client or student, do you want to know my first thought? That 90% of the time, these videos turn out like bad ransom demands from overseas. It's extra creepy, even if you use all the cool wipes and effects Adobe has to offer. Just send the manuscript. A thank you note/card/e-mail is totally appreciated after the fact, even if you get rejected.

10. Please DO NOT assume we're in some weird relationship. Okay, so someone in a position of authority has wanted to read your manuscript, that very intimate creation of yours where you risk your heart and soul to make it work. Yes, someone is paying attention to you, and is maybe even praising your skills. Don't freak out and confuse "working together" for "loving you". I love my clients the same way I love peanut butter, good NBA games, new dice and caffeine. But in none of those cases am I getting into a bed with them or whispering sweet nothings in their ear at 3am while we listen to the rain and wish we could dance for hours under the moon. You're a client. Not a spouse. Not a lover. Not a fling. Not even a masturbatory fantasy. DO NOT send your agent or editor love letters, intimate photos, locks of hair (of any kind) or detailed emails about what you did in the shower. Seriously. DO NOT DO THIS. IT WILL LEAD TO PEOPLE NOT WANTING TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR YOU. Not cool.

The weekend is coming. Hope you're going to be writing. Rock on.

Pitch 101 - Part 4: Pitch Autopsy

This was actually part of Part 3, which you can read here. It got its own section when I realized how long that post would be.

Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 of this series are also worth your time.

Note: What follows are sample pitches I created for this post - they ARE NOT actual client pitches.
Note 2: They may be pitches I wished actual clients had used.
Note 3: Yes, I got their permission.

If you've been following along, you should be aware of and comfortable with USPs (Unique Selling Points), pitch styles and Velcro Theory (which was just introduced in the last section, but operates on the idea that a pitch hooks into particular interests of the audience).

Previously, we talked about our Eskimo Tim (Assassin who has to kill a senator) property. Let's look at a sample pitch for the novel. (You may recognize this as a query letter, which is a pitch, written down.)

The corrupt senator Aloysius Fedora is about to engineer his largest political coup to date - an oil pipeline from Alaska all the way to Arizona, with all the contracts going to his company, EvilDoucheCorp. This pipe will run from the frozen north to the scorching desert, bringing black liquid wealth thousands of miles. 


But that pipe ran into a problem. A small village of Eskimos sits where a critical part of the pipe goes. And in the village, there is one Eskimo not ready to move.


Eskimo Assassin Tim is about to run muckluck first into EvilDoucheCorp and slice it to ribbons.

Yeah, that's a rotten pitch. Let's make it not suck. Drag that bloated word-corpse to the table, and get ready to learn how to dissect your pitch.

Step 1: Write your pitch down. In full sentences. And paragraphs. As if it counted.
Step 2: Don't judge it, just write it down.

I combine these two steps because you're not going anywhere until you can get them both accomplished. You may need to refer back to Step 2 often to get Step 1 done, which is okay. This isn't the part where you edit the pitch as you write, this is where you just lay it out, all messy and not-how-you-want-it, so that we can in subsequent steps, make it better.

Bring our pitch back. And hand me a knife.

The corrupt senator Aloysius Fedora is about to engineer his largest political coup to date - an oil pipeline from Alaska all the way to Arizona, with all the contracts going to his company, EvilDoucheCorp. This is a great establishing, expositive sentence. 

 This pipe will run from the frozen north to the scorching desert, bringing black liquid wealth thousands of miles. This is still good, and even has a little cute turn of phrase.


But that pipe ran into a problem. Red flag #1 - This is a cliche. And it's a poor bridge to whatever comes next, as most cliches are.

A small village of Eskimos sits where a critical part of the pipe goes. And in the village, there is one Eskimo not ready to move. While these two statements are true, and good, they're also incredibly boring ways to relay this information. If I wanted to sleep, I'd go watch War Horse or listen to parade commentary. Boring sentences, especially when words count, the way they do in a query, will kill your pitch.


Eskimo Assassin Tim is about to run muckluck first into EvilDoucheCorp and slice it to ribbons. I like this sentence. I also like the idea about running muckluck first. Not happy with the dull 'slice it to ribbons' bit, but we can rewrite it.

I know, I'm basically asking you to be objective about your own work so as to dissect it. And I know you're going to be blind to a lot of the red flags, errors, weak spots and loose connections in your pitch. This is why we get step 3.

Step 3: Get someone else to read your pitch. Get someone who knows pitches. Sales professionals, consultants, editors, writers...people in the industry you're pitching to - that's who you need to chat with for step 3.

If you can't find anyone, email me. Put 'Pitch 101' in the subject of the email, and we'll talk your pitch through. Seriously.

Now, wait, maybe you're going to tell me that you did find people who knew pitches, but they didn't help you. And I'll ask you, who did you talk to about your novel (for example), and you'll tell me you talked to a librarian.

And when I'm done laughing, I'll say that a librarian knows books the way a consumer knows books - via popularity or similarity. They don't know how to take your idea and make it excel or how to amplify it so that it can then become popular or super-successful.

Oh, and then you'll say you've taken your script and given it to your three friends who go to the movies all the time, and that one time about fifteen years ago they all wanted to be Kevin Smith, so they know. Oh sure they know. They know what not to do, they know where the potholes were in the road forward. But if you want to get past the potholes, find the people who found the potholes, patched them (or are patching them) and kept driving. Yes, such people exist. And you should go seek them out.

Step 4: Rebuild/Rewrite your pitch to make the USPs stand out, while remembering your velcro.

The success of your pitch isn't only the charisma you have, you need to back it up with substance. That substance is your USPs. If you're more formula minded, try this:

Good pitch = USPs + Charisma + Hooks + Receptive Awareness

We'll talk more about that formula in Part 5 of the series, but for now, understand that you can immediately control what the USPs are and how they're presented to the audience. Do you build tension in your voice when talking about the tense parts? Do you race through way too quickly because you're nervous? Do you skip around all over the place because, 'you're so ADD, lol'? (Please don't ever write a professional email and use 'lol' in it. PLEASE.)

Let's rebuild Eskimo Tim's pitch:


In two days, EvilDoucheCorp will run a pipeline right through Eskimo Tim's village. In two days, the ancient Eskimo ways will be gone, replaced by gallons of liquid wealth, fattening the pockets of Senator Aloysius Fedora. 


All that culture, gone. And it's not just mucklucks and seal clubbing. Eskimos are also Assassins. And Tim is one of a long line of proud killers for hire. 


In two days, the village will be destroyed. In three days, EvilDoucheCorp will come to know that Eskimos have 40 words for snow and 41 words for murder.


BLOOD OF THE SNOWMAN is a novel of 92,000 words.

See how much more compelling that is? We added a time element (the two/three days bit), toyed with Eskimo knowledge (40 words for snow) and kept the mucklucks.

We made the product matter for our audience. We gave them a reason to keep their eyes moving down through the pitch. We made the story engage them, not just lie flat on its back like a bad date.

Pitches aren't just for novels. Your game pitch (here's a great one from Rob Donoghue) is built the same way, and can benefit from the same reconstruction. The same is true for your script.

But it all starts with writing SOMETHING, some kind of pitch down. And then getting eyes on it. And hopefully those are objective eyes. Then the rebuilding can begin.

Once the pitch is rebuilt, trust me, you won't want to wait to show it off.

In Part 5 of the series, we'll talk about that formula for making a good pitch.

Happy writing.

John's Stack of Book Recommendations, Part 1

There are, at last count, about 4000 books in my house. I have two rooms designated as library/office space and half my basement is filled with boxes of things I've read or used to teach. My classics, my prized rare books, and my favorites are in a third room that will likely become a third library in the very neat future.

Book bragging, I do it now.

What I present to you today is a list (and links) to books, broken down by category as they might appeal to you.

Books For Pleasure

1. Go to Chuck Wendig's site. Buy everything he's written. Budget money to buy everything he will write. Ever. Ever ever.
2. If you've not read Jim Butcher's Dresden Files (the books that made me want to work with game designers), then we probably shouldn't speak again until you do. Double Bonus: Pick up an audiobook or two - they're narrated by James Marsters.
3. I came across Kevin Hearne's Iron Druid series while waiting for the most recent Dresden book. I'm glad I gave them a try. Totally worth it.
4. A friend of mine gave me a copy of Mark Hodder's Burton and Swinburne series. I haven't returned them yet, and don't plan to.  (Start with Spring Heeled Jack)

Audiobooks For Pleasure

I do a lot of traveling and audiobooks are great for those downtimes and traffic-times and long hauls from Point A to Point Q. Here are some of the best ones I've heard this year.
1. The Lock Artist by Steve Hamilton. (I tend to find narrators and stick with them - Macleod Andrews MAKES this book the best audiobook I've heard in years.)
2. Johannes Cabal the Necromancer and the Detective are both FANTASTIC listens, even if there are two different narrators.
3. Richard Kadrey's Sandman Slim series. (Favorite series of the last few years) Again, you can thank Macleod Andrews when you get the audio versions. (Start with Sandman Slim)
4. Mike Carey's Felix Castor series. No, I don't know why more of these aren't in audio. Oh, I how I wish they were. (Start with The Devil You Know)

Books To Make Your 2012 Better

1. The Nerdist Way. Chris Hardwick is super nice and this book should absolutely be read (or listened to) by anyone who wants to be better next year. Also, this book changed my life more than many humans I know.
2. Spiritual Liberation by Michael Beckwith. Yeah I know, it looks way New Age-y. Give it about 30 pages (or ten minutes if you get the audiobook). It'll be worth it. I promise.
3. Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. Seriously, get the audiobooks if you're serious about this purchase. 1. The material is interesting. 2. ED ASNER.

Books to Make You A Better Writer/Designer

1. The Weekend Novelist. Do you have a silly dayjob, so you only write on the weekends? Then you need this book!
2. The Writer's Compass. Are you trying to figure out what your story is about so that you can write it later? Then you DEFINITELY need this book!
3. Do you suck at grammar? Then have the trifecta: Spunk and Bite; Eats, Shoots and Leaves; and Sin and Syntax.
4. Do you often think about fonts and layout? Then you should read Just My Type.

Books You Can Learn Something From

1. Evil Hat's Dresden Files RPG - Come look at the confluence of mechanics, story, licensing and characters.
2. Ron Chernow's Washington: A Life - Take a look at what good research can do for your material.


More to come as I think of them.....

I got interviewed!

I was recently interviewed on The Jennisodes!


http://www.jennisodes.com/podcasts/editing-your-game-book/

You should be listening!

Metatopia, Part 2

I have some more thoughts on Metatopia.

Attending as a non-primary-gamer (that's my term, it means that gaming isn't my bread-and-butter career path, passion or money maker), really gave me the ability to see holes and opportunities, places where in non-gaming contexts the void is already full. Like what you ask? Like these:

• Marketing - Yes, I was part of a totally amazing marketing panel (led by Josh Seideman, who totally knows what he's talking about, and you really should be following him on Twitter if you're not already. And while his presentation was good, it honestly wasn't anything I haven't already done or heard about -- which is to be expected, part of my business involves marketing strategies.
  
  But in a gaming context, marketing seemed to be somewhat of a mythical activity, something shrouded in confusion and spoken about with a lot of "Uhhs" and "Ums".
  
  And here lies the opportunity.
  
  I make marketing easy. I mean it is easy already, but how I teach authors to market is simple, effective and in the words of one guy "surprisingly fun". So consider this my note to talk about marketing strategies across all my social networks.
• Presentation Skills - How many great presentations did I see? At least a dozen. How many presentations could have been made great by simple tips? Bazillions. I know, it's scary and tough to stand/sit in front of a room and hold court, especially if you're talking about something that's been your creative baby for a long time and this is the first time you're bringing it out for humans to consume. Good for you for doing that. That's step 1. Step 2 is, "Kick ass with it."
  
  So consider this my note to the universe that I'm sneaking in some presentation tips into my next workshops.
• Where were the ladies? Yes I met some fantastic women (Jenn, Terry and Shoshanna immediately spring to mind) And surprisingly women made up a decent percentage of the people attending, but this wasn't really lady-friendly. Now maybe that's the community, maybe that's got something to do with either the perceived or real awkwardness some people have around lady-people (I know, they have cooties, right?), but I think if the community as a whole was a little more pro-fem (not like I'm-going-to-hack-off-your-dangling-oppressive-genitals pro-fem, I mean more like "Girls-are-welcome-in-our-clubhouse"), the number of potential consumers and contributors goes up, and everyone wins.

What blew my mind is that game designers are just like writers and I could/can/did slot myself in and among them the same ways. There is somewhat of a myth that gamers are mega-nerds and entirely insular, but on the whole, I found these people to be among the nicest humans I've ever spent time with, and certainly some of the smartest.

So, to the game people reading this, so many of you have my business card. Flip it over and take a look at the back.

Find this line: Creative and Professional Solutions for Any Situation

I mean it. Much like Vanilla Ice - if you have a problem, yo, I'll solve it. (And yes, word to your mother.)

Another post shall later this afternoon.....and I'll talk about the magic that is the conversation with a writer.