What Not To Send An Editor, Part 3

Previously (here and here) I've talked about what you should not send an editor or an agent. That list continues today. Let's rock this list like it was organized by a rock star librarian.

1. Please DO NOT send a query letter or manuscript written by hand. This has two effects: If your handwriting is tiny and scratchy, you may look somewhat crazy. Also, this makes you appear like you're afraid of technology. The problem is that if you've sent me a hard-copy (for example) we would have had to correspond, and that's usually by email.

2. Please DO NOT send a printed/bound softcover version of your book. Yes I know there are GREAT services out there that allow you to produce a book with minimal investment. And I'm glad you made use of them. The problem is that you didn't send me a manuscript (which I work on), you sent me a book, which is not the same thing.

3. Please DO NOT send photos of your children/pets holding signs saying I should read your work or take you on as a client. When I get a stack of photos in the mail, I usually look for the ransom demands or the photo that includes the line, "Or else I'll be beaten" and then consider calling the police. Do not play on sympathies to get your work advanced.

4. Please DO NOT include rejection letters with your work. Okay, you've been rejected. But sending your emotional baggage along with your work is not the best way to start a relationship if you want the relationship to be healthful and helpful. And for the record, I shred those letters, especially if you've added commentary like "Stupid bitch" or "Damn faggot" in the margins after I write the original sender a note.

5. Please DO NOT offer me favors that are in fact threats on other people. Do not tell me you're "going to take care of X person or Y person" for me if I take you on. I might not like X or Y person, they may not like me...but that's not really for you to worry about (this is especially troubling if you happen to mention people I've dated, who I KNOW don't like me now). Basically, threatening others to incent to me work with you is not happening. I just call the police.

6. Please DO NOT include hateful things about my friends along with your manuscript. (This is not me reverse bragging, I do have a point here) I know a lot of celebrities and semi-celebrities. Yes, many of those people may have different sexual, racial, religious, political or alcoholic preferences than you do. You don't have to disparage them (or their opinions, lifestyles or beliefs) to prove you're a tough person. It won't encourage me to respond.

NOTE - If you're going to question my sexuality or habits (insisting that I must enjoy the company of same sex partners or that I am in fact a person who has sex with female parents or that I lack 'racial purity' if I don't take you on as a client) you're absolutely not getting a response.

7. Please DO NOT include "things you think I might like" along with your submission. I am a nerd. I do not hide this fact. Lately, I've stopped hiding the fact I enjoy really good food. And I remain an ardent Xbox enthusiast. If you want me to work with you, just send the work. You do not need to go out of your way to include new Xbox games, thumb drives, pens, mugs, catalogs for bathrobes, sex toys or whatever else "you saw and it made you think of me". Let's just talk about work, shall we?

NOTE - I will likely not send the thumb drives or pens back. 

8. Please DO NOT send daily follow-ups. I receive mail everyday. I do my best to take about 2 hours to go through my mail and sort from it packages and manuscripts and all kinds of not-bills from it. After paying the bills, everything else gets prioritized and either delegated or answered. I do this DAILY. The mail here locally is known to be slow. I cannot predict when I'm going to get your package, let alone what specific time of that day I'm going to have time to sit down and respond to it. Calling me EVERY DAY after you've sent it is NOT going to encourage me to move faster towards your material. (You should though follow up about 3 to 4 days later with anyone you've sent material to but not heard back from).

9. Please DO NOT send "art" along with your manuscript. I put art in quotes because I'm not talking about book covers or graphic files. I mean the map of your fantasy world made out of cheese or the sausage shaped like your protagonist. If you want to hook me into the "feel" of your work, let your pitch, query and manuscript do the talking.

10. Please DO NOT send feces, urine or other bodily fluids. Seriously. Just don't. Ew. (This did not happen to me, but rather to an industry friend of mine, and she will be closing up shop for a few months because of it).

The moral of the story? When someone (an editor, a publisher, an agent, somebody) says "Send me X", that's all you send them. And if you're confused what 'X' is....ask.

Happy writing.

What Not To Send An Editor Part 2

As someone you can hire to help you write better, get published, get edited, improve your sales and get things done, I get a lot of strange requests and offers for help.

Previously, I started a list of what not to send me (or people like me) to get to help you. This is a continuation of that list.

REMEMBER - You can avoid making these mistakes by starting conversations and making things WAY less awkward. You can avoid ending up on lists like this one.

1. Please DO NOT send food OR food for any pets. This is not elementary school, I am totally not going to be swept off my feet because you made me rice krispie treats with peanut butter and bacon on them. And no, it's very likely you don't know the brand of dog food my dog prefers. And even if you send me these food items wrapped in cellophane and duct tape, I have no idea if there's a juicy bubonic / Dengue fever core in your baked goods. Any food I get is immediately trashed, unless I happen to know you and have eaten your cooking at least once before. 

2. Please DO NOT send drugs. I don't care if your story is best read/edited after a few good bong hits and three tabs of acid. I don't care if you have a sweet connection for some Bolivian Marching Powder. DO NOT send me drugs along with your manuscript. Two things will happen - I call the police and I tell every agent/editor I can find not to talk to you. 

3. Please DO NOT imply death threats or violence against individuals, families or pets. I'm really sorry that your writing career isn't taking off the way you hoped. I'm really sorry that you haven't bought that island with the royalties of your thirtieth novel. I'm really sorry that five agents rejected you in January, and that you have come to me as your last resort, and that if I don't some how miracle you a best-seller one of us "is going to have trouble in the near future". Or "that barking dog isn't going to bother you anymore". Just as with #2 above, should that happen, the police get called, my lawyer gets called and everyone I know hears about it. 

4. Please DO NOT send "unrated" editions of your manuscript as a "bonus". It's so totally not a bonus to know that you have alternate versions of chapters 11-14 where the two protagonists engage in a steamy incestuous relationship involving mustard greens, decorative soaps and safe words with more than ten letters. If the agent or editor likes your work and wants to see it, send them what they're asking for. 

5. Please DO NOT send encoded materials. Okay, it's cute, your manuscript has like a Da Vinci Code cipher going on. Great, there's a whole second act with anagrams and puns. Nifty. But if the agent/editor wants to see the work, they shouldn't have to break out their Little Orphan Annie decoder ring in order to read your work. Be sure to drink your Ovaltine and send them what they're asking for, not Roman ciphers and cryptogram paragraphs. 

6. Please DO NOT think you're 'doing anyone a favor' by submitting your work. Okay, your query/pitch was intriguing, someone has asked to see more of your work. This is our job, this is what we do -- we're not singling you out from the human race and taking you aboard our space craft, nor are you the next great supreme chancellor of the galaxy. It's our job to look at work, and your job to send it. 

7. Please DO NOT include extra material "for when there's down time" or "when you're bored". I'm not sure if you know this, but my editorial schedule is now booked through LABOR DAY 2012. I mean yes, I have a few days off here and there so I can do things like laundry and grocery shopping and maybe, if I'm lucky go out to dinner with friends or family, but huge chunks of each month have been booked (And some months, booked completely). When I get bored, I have loads of other things to do that aren't editing. Ask yourself - when you get bored at your job, do you do more work to get less bored? Didn't think so. If I say send me a chapter or a manuscript or whatever, that's all I want. 

8. Please DO NOT sign me up for magazine subscriptions. If you are going to send me a package in the mail or via UPS or Fed Ex, please do not make use of whatever address I provide and sign me up for magazines, periodicals and random porn catalogs. I can use Google too, you're not showing me too much I haven't seen already.

9. Please DO NOT send a DVD along with your manuscript. If you send your manuscript and enclose with it a personalized DVD thanking me for reading your manuscript and/or considering taking you on as a client or student, do you want to know my first thought? That 90% of the time, these videos turn out like bad ransom demands from overseas. It's extra creepy, even if you use all the cool wipes and effects Adobe has to offer. Just send the manuscript. A thank you note/card/e-mail is totally appreciated after the fact, even if you get rejected.

10. Please DO NOT assume we're in some weird relationship. Okay, so someone in a position of authority has wanted to read your manuscript, that very intimate creation of yours where you risk your heart and soul to make it work. Yes, someone is paying attention to you, and is maybe even praising your skills. Don't freak out and confuse "working together" for "loving you". I love my clients the same way I love peanut butter, good NBA games, new dice and caffeine. But in none of those cases am I getting into a bed with them or whispering sweet nothings in their ear at 3am while we listen to the rain and wish we could dance for hours under the moon. You're a client. Not a spouse. Not a lover. Not a fling. Not even a masturbatory fantasy. DO NOT send your agent or editor love letters, intimate photos, locks of hair (of any kind) or detailed emails about what you did in the shower. Seriously. DO NOT DO THIS. IT WILL LEAD TO PEOPLE NOT WANTING TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR YOU. Not cool.

The weekend is coming. Hope you're going to be writing. Rock on.

What NOT To Send An Editor

As a consulting writer, I see a lot of submissions, either from people who send me their work and want an opinion, or people who send me their work hoping it will lead me to taking them on as a client.

Here's a small word of advice - If you'd like to be my client, talk to me a bit BEFORE you send your manuscript/masterpiece/board game/script/etc, if only for a few reasons:

1. It is entirely possible you won't like HOW I work.
2. It is entirely possible that you won't like how much I charge.
3. It is entirely possible I won't like how you comport yourself.
4. It is entirely possible that what you want to do/have done is not something I actually can assist you with. (Like website coding, managing your finances, making your ex realize the error of their ways or helping you figure out what to wear)

Talking to me first (send me an email or find me on Twitter if you want more immediate conversation) is a good idea. AND IT'S FREE. Take advantage of it.

Now, this evening, as I wait for things to be backed up online and people to reply to emails, I dig into my pile of "Things To Be Read" and grab a pen. This pile has already been vetted by TWO people by the time it reaches me, so usually, the contents of this pile are either things I need to follow up with, or fantastic teaching opportunities. Or they're stellar shining examples of great work that I don't shut up about.

But sometimes, things stay in the pile because they're so.......bad (let's be honest here) that, as the kids say, they're there for the "lulz".

Not "Oh wow this is comedy gold", but "Oh wait, no, no this has to stop, please, I beg you, no more". And it is to that point I speak tonight.

Please DO NOT SEND THE FOLLOWING THINGS TO AN EDITOR, EVER:

1. Please do not send your fan-fiction, relationship melodrama or "rewrites" of your favorite TV shows. Yes, I get it, you didn't like the whole Dawn-is-a-Key angle in Buffy, but that doesn't mean I want to read 300 pages about how you'd turn Dawn into a Slayer who kills with BDSM sex powers. Nor do I care that you think 'Huddy' was the ruination of House.

Chances are that what sinks your fan fiction isn't the premise but the execution. You may have some very valid perspectives and takes on an existing world. You may suggest some interesting plot variants. But the quality of your writing.....well, let's just say it should be professional. That means yes, check your spelling and grammar, and yes please oh please use paragraphs, complete sentences and punctuation.

2. Please do not beg that I take you on as a client. Yes, you may be the 99%. Yes, you may be deeply afflicted by terrible phobias and illnesses, and yes that is unfortunate. You may be the victim of abuses or neglect or short or tall or hungry or whatever you are -- but it is my job to make your work better and make you a better producer of that work, NOT get you over some therapeutic hump so that you can THEN get around to writing. I am not Freud, Jung, Rogers or Skinner. If you need help, get help. I'm here to help your work, and by extension, you - not the other way around.

3. Please do not send photos of the people "you'd like to prove wrong" by getting your book published. First, that's way creepy. Second, I would prefer not being an accessory to whatever plot you've cooked up late at night while you listen to Fleet Foxes in the dark.

4. Please do not send me information about my own life, to prove what you know about me. Great, you found me on the internet, and maybe you know who I dated, lived with, or what I did at this place or date. If you're doing that to coerce my working with you, that's creepy and mean. If you're doing that to create some sort of friendship...that's not how my friendships operate. Please don't do that.

5. Please do not send the same material under multiple names. (Names are made up in this example) If I don't reply back to "Erik", I would trust that "Erik" moves on and doesn't suddenly conscript "Erika" "Karen" "Skylar" "Darla" "Tim" and "Luigi" to send me the same email with the same attachment from new and exciting email accounts. Just like in life, NO means NO. Improve the pitch, improve the material, try again, yes, but don't think you're going to wear an editor into submission.

6. Please do not barter "favors". If you want me to work with you, it's easiest if you straight out ask, and make a good argument. Don't suggest that you'll wash my car, have your attractive friend sleep with me, offer to let me watch you sleep with someone else or, my personal favorite, "owe me one later." Really, it's not that hard to get me to work with you -- do a good job asking, work really hard, take my advice. Done.

7. Please do not do something 'above and beyond' what's asked. If I say, "Email me and we'll talk." I want you to....email me. If an editor says, "Send me a SASE", then they want an envelope. This is not code for "I'd like you to come to one of my workshops and sit in the back and stare at me for ten minutes before you speak" or "send a packing crate with hearts and glitter on it." An editor's job is exponentially easier if we can trust the writer(s) we work with to follow directions. If the directions are unclear, ASK.

8. Please do not push. I am known to be a quick and efficient email writer. If you send me a message, my reply is prompt and thorough. If for whatever reason it's taken me some time to reply to you (whether due to illness or busyness or business or the fact that I'm not in the office), sending multiple emails asking the same question is NOT going to help your cause. I do not respond well to being pushed. If the problem is urgent, yes, there are ways to reach me, but for the most part, you don't have to push if you want an answer.

9. Please do not make your editor your last resort. Just like I don't like being pushed, I don't like hearing that if I don't help you, you're killing yourself. I neither want the guilt or the knowledge. Don't.

10. Please do not send your editor dirt on other editors. So, you've come to me because Editors 1 - 6 weren't helpful? And you've decided to detail their flaws to me in an email, as if this will help persuade me? Interesting move. I should point out that it is very likely that the afternoon after you've sent me that email I will see Editors 1 - 6 some where and we'll have lunch or talk shop. Some of those people are my friends, I've been to their homes, played with their dogs and seen their babies. Yes I agree they can be irritating professionally, but you're not currying favor by telling me my friends suck and here's proof. Be professional, be adult, and as my mother says, "Suck it up, get a life, and move on."

Now, go enjoy your weekend. Character 101 begins on Monday.